Feeling Guilty

I’m lying in bed feeling guilty that I didn’t blog today. I’m sure that nobody out there in blog world is going to notice but I will. And so to make up for my transgression I am attempting to blog from my iPhone. I just know I’m going to regret this. My laptop is only 20 or 30 steps away but the door is closed and the bed is comfy.

This getting obsessed and staying obsessed thing is carrying me away. But isn’t that the whole point of obsession? It’s creating a new habit. It’s my atheistic version of believing in something greater than me. I guess we do all need to worship at one altar or another after all.

In Fahrenheit 451 Ray Bradbury writes: “It doesn’t matter what you do…so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that looks like you after you take your hands away,” I think that this is what seeking obsession is about for me. It’s about leaving a piece of me behind after I’ve gone away. I don’t know who I’m leaving my signature for. Is it for my kids? Is it for my wife or for my grand-kids? Perhaps it’s nothing more than selfishness on my part but I do think it’s bigger than that. I desperately wish that my parents had left more of themselves in written or recorded form. The recordings that I have of dad and I playing guitar have an uncanny ability to take me back to when he was here. You just can’t put a price on something like that. I wish that I had more.

I know that I will leave this world and my body, spirit, and mind will return to the earth from whence it came. When that time comes I want to make damned sure I’ve left something of my voice behind. Ray Kurzweil will live his wrinkled, shriveled, and frozen body. I’ll just leave my words and my music. That will suffice. I don’t want to live forever but I want my voice to permeate for a little while after I’m gone.

Is that too much to ask?

(Disclaimer: this blog has been edited from its original iphone generated version in order to maintain the integrity of this blog. Ain’t no word count function on the iphone!)

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